Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
