I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
