Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
