watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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