A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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