Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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