Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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