i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
