Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
