Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
