its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
