It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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