Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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