i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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