He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
