Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
