i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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