Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
