My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
