btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
