whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
