I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
