I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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