ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just pee around me
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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