Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
