i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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