You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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