I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am available for nakedness
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
