Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
