I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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