I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
