Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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