Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
