ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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