i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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