DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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