just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize