This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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