For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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