New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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