it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
