drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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