So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
