i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
nutella sex= disaster
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
