dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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