I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
