Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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