I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
