hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
