these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
