I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
